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Dick Jokes

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The Dick Joke
High art... from a low place.

More Reliable Than A Pulse

Hits: 2808

How do you know if your wife's dead?

You stick your dick in her mouth and she doesn't turn her head.

Ten Items or Less

Hits: 2954

Gal to cashier: "I'm in a hurry, can you please check me out?"

Clerk looks her up & down: "Nice tits, babe!"

In This Corner

Hits: 2577

What's it called when a WWE wrestler ties his opponent's dick in a knot?

A Willie Nelson.

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Don't Miss These Jokes!

A Member of the Club

Johnson is out golfing and gets a hole-in-one on the very first hole. Then, he gets another hole-in-one on the second hole. Suddenly his cell phone rings. When he answers a voice says, "This is Memorial Hospital. Your wife has been in a terrible car accident. You need to come at once." Johnson figures, "Let me play one more hole ..."

Well, the next hole he gets an eagle. Now he's all excited, so keeps playing. Turns out he has his best round ever... breaks the club record. Everybody's congratulating him at the clubhouse when... oops... he suddenly remembers about his wife. So he races to the parking lot, jumps in his car and speeds off to the hospital. When he gets there he runs down the hallway where a doctor grabs him by the arm and says, "You piece of shit. You played golf while we worked on your poor wife? Well, she's a vegetable now... and it looks like you're going to have to feed her and change her diapers for the rest of your life. Your golf days are over buddy."

Johnson breaks down crying and says, "My God, Doc. I feel like such a lowdown scumbag. What the hell's wrong with me?"

The doctor says, "Hey. I was only fucking with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"

A Bum and A Rich Broad

A bum walks up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and says: "I haven't eaten anything in four days!"

She looks back at him and says: "God I wish I had your will power."

Nag Nag Nag

Jake the farmer has an incredibly nagging wife. One day he's out in the field, she brings his lunch to him, and then sits there and berates him while he's eating. Suddenly, the mule kicks up his back legs, smacking her in the head, and it kills her instantly.

At the wake, the minister notices that when a woman offers her sympathy, Jake nods his head up and down, but when a man comes up and speaks to him, he shakes his head from side to side. The minister says to Jake, "Why was it that you nod your head up and down to all the women and shake your head from side to side to all the men?"

Jake says, "The women all say how nice she looks, and how pretty her dress is. The men all say, Is that mule for sale?'"