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Every Frickin' Joke

Her Life Matters

Category: And that's when the fight started...
Hits: 2966
Working in the garage this morning my wife barges in nagging about not showing her any respect. She demands I recognize her life has value too.
So I pick her up, give her a big hug and dump her in the recycle bin.
And that's when the fight started...

It's Gonna Be One or the Other

Category: Dick Jokes
Hits: 2650

An old couple's sitting in the living room. The wife turns to her husband and says, "Let's go upstairs and fuck." He looks back and tells her, "I don't know if I can do both."

What's Your Number?

Category: Dick Jokes
Hits: 2860

I just bought the latest sleep-number smart bed. It detects when you're screwing your wife, locks the front door and turns on the stereo so your neighbors can't hear you. My number is 69.

You Don't Have To Be An Epidemiologist

Category: Just Plain Funny
Hits: 2795

Question: Which is more vicious... Killer Bees or Asian Murder Hornets?

Answer: My ex-wife.

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Merry Christmas!

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter replied.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "They're Carol's".

One Day At The Vet's

Three Labrador retrievers - chocolate, yellow, and black - are in the waiting room at the vet's office when they strike up a conversation.

The black lab turns to the chocolate and says, "So why are you here?" The chocolate lab replies, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything – the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night, when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The black lab says, "So what is the vet going to do?" "Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the chocolate lab. "All the vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

The black lab then turns to the yellow lab and asks, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab says, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over
the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired. "Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

Then the yellow lab turns to the black lab and asks what he's at the vet's office for. "I'm a humper," the black lab says. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just gotten out of the shower and was bending over to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and chocolate labs exchange a sad glance and say, "So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black lab says, ‘Nah... just here to get my nails clipped."

Time For A Quickie

A man walks into the kitchen and finds his wife boiling eggs. She looks at him passionately, lays on the counter, and says, "Make love to me Randy!"

Not wanting to lose the chance he embraces her quickly and they make passionate love.

When they are finished he asks her, "What was that about?"

She replies, "The egg timer was broken."