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Dick's Joke of the Day

Don't Be A Dick

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Do What Mama Says

His date warned him: "My mama made me promise I'd say 'NO' to all your advances."

He says: "Sure, no problem. You wouldn't mind if I fucked you in the ass, would ya?"

UFO Spotted

Want to see flying saucers?

Head over to the all-night diner and grab the waitress by the ass.

Everything Looks Bigger On Camera

A man tells his wife "I want to take a picture of your boobs so I can remember them like this forever."

The wife replies "I want to take a picture of your dick so I can enlarge it."

And that's when the fight started...

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From Down Under

A 40-year old woman never married because she only wanted a man who had never been with a woman sexually. And as you might imagine she searched for years but never could find one. So she finally tried one of those International dating sites and sure enough met a man who had lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. After a long-distance online courtship, they finally decided to marry.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare herself for the long awaited moment. When she walks back into the bedroom she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, totally naked, and he has all the furniture piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks.

"I’ve never been with a woman," he tells her. "But if it’s anything like fucking a kangaroo I’m gonna need all the room I can get!"

big biG bIG BIG

One day the teacher walked up to the blackboard and she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and began her class.

The next day she walked into the room and again saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' on the blackboard. Again, she looked around in vain for the culprit, but found none, so she erased the board and proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, as arrived at class she found the same word written on the board, only each day's word was larger than the previous day's word.

Finally, one morning she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board, but instead, found: 'The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!'

Don't Do This

What do you get when you cross a computer with a prostitute?

A fucking know-it-all.