A string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry pal, we don't serve strings here."
So the string walks outside, ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back into the bar and orders a beer.
The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"
The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
One day the boss calls in the vice-president. "We're downsizing. We have to lay off either Jack or Barbara."
The VP tells him, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I'm not sure what to do."
The next morning the VP is waiting and Barbara is the first to arrive. He tells her, "Barbara, I've got a problem. I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?"
Barbara quickly responds, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."
Did you hear about the two guys in Minnesota who froze to death in their car at the drive-in theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Season."
My wife and I were watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said: 'Do you want to have sex?
"'No!" she answered. Then I said: "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, and just said: "Yes."
So I said: "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...