Her Life Matters

Working in the garage this morning my wife barges in nagging about not showing her any respect. She demands I recognize her life has value too.
So I pick her up, give her a big hug and dump her in the recycle bin.
And that's when the fight started...

What's Your Favorite Drink Recipe?

If Gin makes you grin and Whiskey makes you frisky, what makes you pregnant?

Two highballs and a squirt.

What Does Your Dad Do

The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy." 

Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."

The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Tyrone."

Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Tyrone. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m...f-a-r-n...f-n..."

The teacher says, "Tyrone, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."

Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five Tyrone ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."

Nude In Front Of The Mirror

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She wasn't happy with what she saw, so she said: "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

I told her: "Your eyesight's damn near perfect!"

And that's when the fight started...