Wanted: Alive!

The local pharmacy was robbed of 100 bottles of Viagra. Clearly the work of a hardened criminal.

Read Him His Rights

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him: "Anything you say can and will be held against you."

So he shouts back: "Tits"

My Favorite Pastime

I've got a new hobby -- collecting empty bottles.

Sounds a lot better than "I'm an alcoholic."

Who's Counting

My wife was angry. She said: "It's unfair! A guy can screw a different girl every week and he's considered a stud. But if a girl screws even two guys in a year she's called a slut."

So I man-splained it to her: "Think of it this way. If a key opens lots of locks it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys... well... it's a shitty lock."

And that's when the fight started...