Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, "What are you doing?" His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card."
A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, "What are you doing?" His father says, "I'm playing cards." "Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks.
His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."
Here's a math question. If you get into bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
Answer: 8 hours, 57 minutes - who cares what she wants!
I turned my whole life around.
I used to be depressed and miserable. Now I'm miserable and depressed.
I was talking to my buddy on the phone when my wife walked in. It being Valentine's day she must have been curious when she heard me say:
"I gotta tell ya... I really spoiled her today..."
So with her curiosity running wild she continued to eavesdrop and heard the rest.
"First I bought her a lovely new scent.
Then I rubbed essential oils into her beautiful body.
And then I did the hoovering and the dusting.
Man, I really love that car."
And that's when the fight started...