A laugh a day. It's not hard. Seriously.

twitter facebook youtube 27330664 ml50x52

Dick's Joke of the Day

You Can't Unread This One

What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste. Ewww...

I Wanna Watch

What's the difference between a pickpocket and a Peeping Tom? A pickpocket snatches watches.

Just One Question

So tell me... if a firefighter's business can go up in smoke, and a plumber's business can go down the drain... can a hooker get layed off? Just askin'!

Mother-In-Law's Gift

Last year, I bought my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

This year I didn't buy her anything..

When my wife asked me why I didn't buy her mother a gift this year I told her "Hey, she never used the gift I bought her last year!"

And that's when the fight started...

Don't Miss These Jokes!

Who's In Charge Here

The body parts were all arguing about who should be in charge. The heart said: "I pump the blood that keeps us all alive. I should be the boss." The lungs said: "Without us sucking air, we'd all die." And so all the parts... the eyes, the ears, the hands all made their case. Finally the brain said: "I control all of you. That makes me the right choice. I make the decisions... so I'm the boss!"

While the parts were all considering the brain's strong argument, the asshole chimed in: "I'm the most important! I want to be the boss." Whereupon all the body parts laughed in his face.

So the asshole closed up. In a few days the heart pumped slower, it was harder to breathe, the eyes were watering, the hands were weak. Finally all the parts had to agree... the asshole could be in charge.

Which proves that you don't have to have brains to be the boss, you just have to be an asshole.

Too Old For That

A ninety-year-old guy is walking by a lake when he hears, "Hi, there." He looks down, and it's a bullfrog.
He picks it up, and the frog says, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
The old guy unzips his bag, puts in the frog, and starts to zip it back up. The frog says, "What are you doing?"
The old guy says, "At my age, I'd rather have a talking frog."

Until I Met A Guy Who Had No Feet...

A guy wakes up in the hospital: "Doc, I can't feel my legs!"

Doc: "That's because we amputated your arms."