Cop pulls a guy over at 3am: "Where you going at this hour?"
Guy says: "To a lecture on alcohol abuse, its effect on the human body. And the dangers of smoking & staying out late."
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
"My wife."
What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste. Ewww...
Polar bear walks into a bar, asks for a gin...
.
.
.
.
.
and tonic.
Bartender asks: "Why the long pause?"
My wife was fishing for a compliment. So she asked me: "So, do you think you married Miss Right."
I said: "Yeah, I just didn't know your first name was 'Always.'"
And that's when the fight started...