Passing The Time

Why aren't federal government employees allowed to look out the window in the morning?

Because then they would have nothing to do in the afternoon.

Shoulda Used A Towel

My girlfriend caught me drying my dick with the hair dryer. She asked: "What are you doing?"

Apparently "Heating up your dinner." wasn't the right answer.

Turned That List Into a Rap Sheet

Why did Santa get arrested?

He got caught laying Barbie under the Christmas tree!

Pay Back Is A Bitch

I was furious when I found our joint checking account was empty. When I confronted my wife all she said was, "It's my turn." "What do you mean, your turn?" I shot back.

"In bed," she told me, "you've been making early withdrawals for years. Now... it's my turn."

And that's when the fight started...