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Dick's Joke of the Day

It Was Easy

In college I wanted to join the debating team.

But somebody talked me out of it.

Ahh... The Good Old Days

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.

The first lady recalled shopping at the grocer and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper back then, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about."

It's All How You Look At It

A married couple goes to the same Italian restaurant every Sunday for 30 years. And every time they show up the owner says, "Hey! Its-a you two guys. You my favorite-a couple. You made-a for each other. You last-a so long. You meant-a to be!"

Then one Sunday the guy walks in alone. The owner says, "Whats-a happened?" The guy tells him, "We got a divorce."

The Italian guy says, "Oh, you much-a better off-a now."

It Takes More Than One

After weeks without gettin' any I got really pissed off and asked my wife: "What has two arms, two legs, two boobs & sucks?"

Before she could even think of a reply I told her: "You and a vacuum cleaner."

And that's when the fight started...

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Promise Kept

A woman at the Pearly Gates asks St. Peter, "Is my husband here? My name is Johnson." St. Peter says, "Well, that's not enough information."

​She says, "OK... his name is Dick Johnson and he told me that after he died, if I was ever unfaithful, he'd roll over in his grave."

​St. Peter says, "Oh .. you mean Pinwheel Johnson!"

Sexting

I woke up this morning with a text that seemed to have been sent to me by accident. It read,

"Hi... be home soon. Love ya, Dave xxx"

Being Valentine's Day I thought I'd have a bit of fun so I texted the guy back:

"Don't bother, I don't love you. You're a son of a bitch and  I've been banging your brother."

I couldn't wait for the reply, then it came:

"You OK mom?"

Politics Explained

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it to you this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you The People. The nanny, well, let's consider her The Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it all makes sense to you."

So Little Johnny goes off to bed thinking about what his Dad has told him. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room to find his diapers are badly soiled. So Johnny goes to his parents’ room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He finally gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, Johnny says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand exactly what politics is."

"Good son, tell me in your own words what you've learned."

Little Johnny replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."