Guy goes to his doctor for a checkup. After, they sit down in a private office to discuss the results. The doc starts with: "I have good news and I have bad news."
The guy says: "Give me the bad news doc." The doctor replies: "You've got cancer!"
The guy is shocked, but quickly asks: "So what's the good news?"
The doctor looks him in the eye and tells him: "I'm fucking the receptionist."
Old Dick is no dope. Here's a piece of advice you should always follow: Whenever you have a one night stand, always use protection -- a fake name and a fake number.
My wife's losing weight now thanks to a weight loss club. She goes near the fridge, I hit her with the club.
I told my wife: You know the trouble with most women? They get all excited over nothing!"
She said: "Yeah, I know what you mean, I married him."
And that's when the fight started...