My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She wasn't happy with what she saw, so she said: "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I told her: "Your eyesight's damn near perfect!"
And that's when the fight started...
Why can't Barbie get pregnant?
Because Ken comes in a different box.
A doctor told his patient her test results came back and she had a rare disease with only 6 months to live.
"That's such a short amount of time." the woman begged, "Isn't there anything I can do?"
"Marry a lawyer," the doctor told her. "It will be the longest six months of your life."
I told my wife I was so pleased she treated me like a God. She looked at me and asked, "What do you mean?"
I told her, "Every evening at dinner you give me a burnt offering."
And that's when the fight started...