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Dick's Joke of the Day

Drop The Coin Right Into The Slot

A couple is in divorce court to decide on custody of their child. The judge asks each one to give a reason why they should be the one to keep the child.

The wife says, "Well I carried this child around in me for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process. This is my child and a part of me." Then the judge turns to the husband and asks the same question.

The husband replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out. Now, tell me, who does the drink belong to -- me or the machine"

Can't Try It On First

A guy goes into a drug store to buy some condoms. The girl behind the counter asks, “What size?” He says, “I don’t know.” She hold up one finger and asks, “That big?” He says, “Bigger.” She holds up three fingers and asks, “That big?” He says, “Smaller.” She holds up two fingers and he says, “Yeah, that’s it.”

She sticks the two fingers in her mouth and says, “Medium.”

It's Going To Need Some Work

Wife: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

Wife: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

Husband: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

Wife: "In the pool."

Can You Hear What I'm Seeing?

My wife asked me: "Why do you go out on the balcony every time I start to sing?"

I told her: "I don't want the neighbors to think I'm beating you."

And that's when the fight started...

Don't Miss These Jokes!

Do You Swallow?

Why doesn't Chelsea have any brothers and sisters?

Monica swallowed them.

Bigger Than You Think

Why do men like women with small hands?

It makes their dicks look bigger.

We Have A Runner

Why did the woman cross the road?

Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?