A laugh a day. It's not hard. Seriously.

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Dick's Joke of the Day

The Bigger The Better

A guy gets a job as a salesman at a dildo store. First day a brunette walks in and asks: "How much for the black dildo?" He tells her: "$50 for the black one, $50 for the white one." She leaves without buying anything. Then a redhead walks in and asks him: "How much for the white dildo?" He replies" "$50 for the white one, $50 for the black one." She doesn't buy anything either.

Finally a blonde walks in and asks him" "How much for a dildo?" He answers: "$50 for a black one, $50 for a white one." Then she points and asks: "How much for the plaid one on the shelf behind you?" He says" "Oh that's a very special one, that's $250." She buys it.

At closing, the manager asks the guy: "So how much did you sell today?" The man tells him: "No dildos. But I did sell your old thermos for $250."

For Biology or Sex Ed?

A daughter asked her mother how to spell penis.

Her mom said: "You should have asked me last night... it was on the tip of my tongue."

Cannibal Culinary Habits

Why won't cannibals eat divorced women?

They're too bitter.

The Voice of Experience

Husband asks: "Should I watch porn or hockey?"

Wife: "Watch porn. You already know how to play hockey."

And that's when the fight started...

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Not A Lifesaver

A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel all types of objects, smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of candy lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.

"Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I’ll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It’s something your Mommy probably calls your Daddy all the time."

Instantly, Little Johnny spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit ’em out, you guys, they’re assholes!"

At Least Take A Lunch Break

A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. "Would you maybe like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee?" He declines. "It’s this Viagra," he says, "It’s really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "It’s this Viagra," he says, "it’s really taken the edge off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She tells hum "I’ll go to the store and buy you whatever you want. Maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe a pizza or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?" And once again he declines. "It’s this Viagra," he says, "it’s really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up? I’m fuckin' starving."

A Duck Walks Into A Bar... Here We Go Again!

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says no, this is a bar not a grocery store." and sends him out.

The next day, the duck returns and again asks, "Got any grapes?" This time the bartender gets real mad and says. "I told you yesterday no grapes. And you're a duck. We don't even serve ducks here. You come in here and bother me one more time and I'll nail your fuckin' web feet to the floor." And with that he throws him out again.

The next day, the duck returns only this time he asks "Got any nails?" Confused, the bartender says "No."

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"