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Dick Jokes

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The Dick Joke
High art... from a low place.

Shocked For The Wrong Reason

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Preparing the body of old man Johnson, a mortician finds the largest penis he has ever seen. "I'm sorry" he says out loud, "But I can't send you off to be cremated and lose forever such a rare and enormous dick like yours. It has to be preserved for posterity."

So the mortician carefully removes the giant organ, places it in a jar and puts the jar in his briefcase. When he gets home, he's excited to show the rare sight to his wife. "Look here honey, I have something to show you that will shock you." he tells her as he removes the jar from his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" the wife screams, "Johnson's dead!"

More Reliable Than A Pulse

Hits: 2860

How do you know if your wife's dead?

You stick your dick in her mouth and she doesn't turn her head.

Ten Items or Less

Hits: 2998

Gal to cashier: "I'm in a hurry, can you please check me out?"

Clerk looks her up & down: "Nice tits, babe!"

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Great Minds Think Alike

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Little Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Litle Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Little Johnny tells her, "Because the shot scared them all off."

The teacher says, "No, the answer is two, but I like how you're thinking."

So Little Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?" The teacher says, "The one sucking her ice cream."

Little Johnny says, "No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you're thinking!"

Mental Health

I turned my whole life around.

I used to be depressed and miserable. Now I'm miserable and depressed.

Not Quite A Dozen Roses

My wife and I went to counseling to improve our marriage. While attending one session dealing with communication, the counselor instructed: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

Looking at me she said: "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

I looked over, touched my wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?"

And that's when the fight started...