Just Plain Funny
Not every laugh has to be a dick joke!
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Guy to his friend: "I’m getting married. I’m tired of a messy apartment, dirty dishes & no clothes to wear."
Friend tells him: "I’m getting divorced for the same reasons."
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A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender says no, this is a bar not a grocery store." and sends him out.
The next day, the duck returns and again asks, "Got any grapes?" This time the bartender gets real mad and says. "I told you yesterday no grapes. And you're a duck. We don't even serve ducks here. You come in here and bother me one more time and I'll nail your fuckin' web feet to the floor." And with that he throws him out again.
The next day, the duck returns only this time he asks "Got any nails?" Confused, the bartender says "No."
"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"
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Sally: "Let's play house."
Little Johnny: "What do I do?"
Sally: "Communicate your feelings."
Johnny: "How do I do that?"
Sally: "Perfect. You can be the husband!"