Every Frickin' Joke

Never Take Candy From A Stranger

: Category: Dick Jokes; Published: 11 May 2015; Hits: 2983

A guy pulls up to a little girl playing on the sidewalk and says, "Hey, little girl, want a lollipop?"

The girls says "My mommy told me not to take candy from strangers. But if you give me twenty bucks, I'll suck your dick."

Getting Off On My Floor?

: Category: Dick Jokes; Published: 10 May 2015; Hits: 2712

Two stock brokers are checking out a new secretary.

The first one says, "She's got nothing going on upstairs."

The second one says, "That wouldn't be the floor I'd be getting off on."

Come This Way

: Category: Dick Jokes; Published: 09 May 2015; Hits: 3200

A girl says to a salesman, "I need some batteries for my vibrator."

He motions with his finger, "Come this way..."

She says, "If I could come that way I wouldn't need a fucking vibrator."

The Four Seasons

: Category: Dick Jokes; Published: 08 May 2015; Hits: 3282

A college kid is fucking an old lady. She says, "It may be Winter on top, but it's Summer in the furnace."

He says, "Yeah? Well, if you don't put a little Spring in your ass, we're gonna be here till Fall."

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A Simple Request

Last night I smiled at my wife and asked: "Honey, will you do something with your mouth that all men love?" She smiled back coyly and said: "And what is that, darling?"

I said: "Close it!"

And that's when the fight started...

Deductive Reasoning

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are camping. As they look up into the sky, Holmes asks, "Watson, tell me what you see."

Watson says, "I see millions of stars." Holmes then asks, "And what does that tell you?" Watson thinks for a minute then says, "Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes answers, "It tells me somebody stole our fucking tent."

We Don't Sell To Your Type

A blonde walks up to a salesman and says, "I want to buy this TV."

He says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

She goes for a complete make-over...she gets a haircut and new hair color, a new outfit, and puts on big sunglasses. She waits a few days and then she walks up to the salesman and says, "I want to buy this TV."

He says, "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes."

She says., "How do you know I'm a blonde?"

He says, "Because that's a microwave."