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How To Score

Category: Dick Jokes
Published: 27 December 2016
Hits: 2617

A guy takes a girl out to dinner for their 1st date. She orders shrimp cocktail, filet mignon - medium rare, a loaded baked potato, the vegetable medley, and crème brulee' for desert. Then before the waiter leaves she adds a bottle of expensive wine.

The guy looks at her and says, "Does your mother feed you like that?"

She says, "No... but my mother's not looking to fuck me."

Come Early For The Sale

Category: Just Plain Funny
Published: 26 December 2016
Hits: 2444

Nacho comes before a judge. The judge asks: "Why're you here?" Nacho tells him: "I'm accused of starting my Xmas shopping early."

The judge says, "That's not a crime. How early did you start?"

Nacho says, "Before the store opened."

We Do It Every Year

Category: Just Plain Funny
Published: 25 December 2016
Hits: 2540

Last Xmas Aunt Ellen hung herself.

As a traditional family, we didn't take her down until after New Year's.

Can You Even Say This Anymore?

Category: Just Plain Funny
Published: 24 December 2016
Hits: 2468

What's even better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Not being a retard.

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Don't Miss These Jokes!

No Greater Feeling

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

Sometimes You Just Gotta F*ck It

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus and says, "This is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. I'll give five hundred bucks to anybody who has an instrument that the octopus can't play."

A guy walks up with a guitar, the octopus takes it, and starts playing like Jimi Hendrix. Another guy walks up with a trumpet, and the octopus plays it better than Dizzy Gillespie.

A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits it down, the octopus fumbles with it for a minute, and then he sets it down with a confused look. The guy says, "Hah! You can't play it?"

The octopus looks at him and says, "Play it? As soon as I get its pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it."

A Dead Man!

After 20 years of marriage, I still get blow jobs.

If my wife finds out, she'll fucking kill me.

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