A laugh a day. It's not hard. Seriously.

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Every Frickin' Joke

How To Score

Category: Dick Jokes
Hits: 2833

A guy takes a girl out to dinner for their 1st date. She orders shrimp cocktail, filet mignon - medium rare, a loaded baked potato, the vegetable medley, and crème brulee' for desert. Then before the waiter leaves she adds a bottle of expensive wine.

The guy looks at her and says, "Does your mother feed you like that?"

She says, "No... but my mother's not looking to fuck me."

Come Early For The Sale

Category: Just Plain Funny
Hits: 2674

Nacho comes before a judge. The judge asks: "Why're you here?" Nacho tells him: "I'm accused of starting my Xmas shopping early."

The judge says, "That's not a crime. How early did you start?"

Nacho says, "Before the store opened."

We Do It Every Year

Category: Just Plain Funny
Hits: 2770

Last Xmas Aunt Ellen hung herself.

As a traditional family, we didn't take her down until after New Year's.

Can You Even Say This Anymore?

Category: Just Plain Funny
Hits: 2697

What's even better than winning a gold medal at the Special Olympics?

Not being a retard.

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What Does Your Dad Do

The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy." 

Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."

The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Tyrone."

Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Tyrone. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m...f-a-r-n...f-n..."

The teacher says, "Tyrone, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."

Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five Tyrone ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."

There's A Card For Everything

Hallmark Card fail:

"My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. Looked underneath and noticed your cat."

Don't Drink And Drive

Dick's Advice: Best way to avoid an alcohol-related accident? Get so fucked up you can't find your car.