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Dick Jokes

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The Dick Joke
High art... from a low place.

Out To Lunch

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Sign on the whorehouse door: Out to lunch. Beat it.

Asked About A Nun

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How do you get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

A Guy At The Bar

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A guy at the bar orders two drinks. He downs one, then pours the other on his left hand.

The bartender asks: "Hey mister... what're you doin'?" "

"Getting my date drunk."

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From Down Under

A 40-year old woman never married because she only wanted a man who had never been with a woman sexually. And as you might imagine she searched for years but never could find one. So she finally tried one of those International dating sites and sure enough met a man who had lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. After a long-distance online courtship, they finally decided to marry.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare herself for the long awaited moment. When she walks back into the bedroom she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, totally naked, and he has all the furniture piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks.

"I’ve never been with a woman," he tells her. "But if it’s anything like fucking a kangaroo I’m gonna need all the room I can get!"

A Change For The Worse


My wife was telling me all about this new transgender thing... you know, where guys turn themselves into women. I said to her: "Yeah. Well that ain't nothin' You know how to turn a fox into an elephant?"

She said: "How?" I told her: "Marry it."

And that's when the fight started...

The Long And The Short Of It

Three guys are arguing about who has the longest dick, and they decide the only way to find out once and for all is to go to the Observation Deck of the Empire State Building and hang them over the side.

The first guy says, "Check it out. My pecker reaches down to the 68th floor." The second guy says, "That's nothing. This beauty's dangling down past the 34th floor."

They look over and see the third guy jumping up and down and back and forth. The first guy yells at him, "What the hell are you doing?" He says, "Dodgin' traffic."