Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the grocer and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper back then, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about."
A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel all types of objects, smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of candy lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.
"Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I’ll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It’s something your Mommy probably calls your Daddy all the time."
Instantly, Little Johnny spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit ’em out, you guys, they’re assholes!"
