Every Frickin' Joke

Put Her In Her Place

: Category: Just Plain Funny; Published: 28 February 2015; Hits: 2922

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. You already told her twice.

Best Friends Forever

: Category: Just Plain Funny; Published: 27 February 2015; Hits: 2280

Difference between a friend & a real friend?

A friend helps you move. A real friend helps you move a body.

Makes You Want To Take An Uber

: Category: Just Plain Funny; Published: 26 February 2015; Hits: 2562

What is the difference between a New York City taxi and an elephant?

The elephant has the trunk in the front and the asshole in the back.

Never Drink And Drive

: Category: Just Plain Funny; Published: 25 February 2015; Hits: 2207

A guy is driving home when a cop pulls him over.
The cop says, "Have you been drinking?"
The guy says, "Yes, I have."
The cop says, "Please step out of the car."
The guy says, "Why? Don't you believe me?"

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There's No Cure

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes out a tissue, gently wipes her nose. Then she suddenly begins to shudder violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure what's going on, so goes back to reading. A few minutes later the woman sneezes again. She grabs a tissue, gently wipes her nose and once again begins to shudder violently.

The man is becoming more and more intrigued with this shuddering thing. A few more minutes pass and sure enough she sneezes yet again. So, out comes a tissue and after a gentle wipe the shuddering starts up.

The man has finally had all he can take. So he turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then you shudder violently! Are you sending me signals or what?"

The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." Now the guy is feeling a little embarrassed but is even more curious. He says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

Wrong Answer

My girlfriend's dad asked me what I do.

Apparently, "your daughter" wasn't the right answer.

Sometimes You Just Gotta F*ck It

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus and says, "This is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. I'll give five hundred bucks to anybody who has an instrument that the octopus can't play."

A guy walks up with a guitar, the octopus takes it, and starts playing like Jimi Hendrix. Another guy walks up with a trumpet, and the octopus plays it better than Dizzy Gillespie.

A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits it down, the octopus fumbles with it for a minute, and then he sets it down with a confused look. The guy says, "Hah! You can't play it?"

The octopus looks at him and says, "Play it? As soon as I get its pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it."