Difference between a friend & a real friend?
A friend helps you move. A real friend helps you move a body.
After 20 years of marriage, I still get blow jobs.
If my wife finds out, she'll fucking kill me.
One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She said "Santa, will you stay with me?"
Santa replied, "Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
So she took off her night gown, wearing only a bra and panties, she asked "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
"Ho Ho Ho gotta go, gotta go, gotta deliver these toys to good girls and boys."
She takes off everything and says "Santa, now will you stay with me?"
Santa replies "Gotta stay, gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my d*ck this way!"
What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.