Difference between a friend & a real friend?
A friend helps you move. A real friend helps you move a body.
You know why every woman doesn't go to heaven?
If they all went, it would be hell.
What is the flattest surface you can iron your jeans on?
A white chick's ass.
A guy is driving home when a cop pulls him over.The cop says, "Have you been drinking?"The guy says, "Yes, I have."The cop says, "Please step out of the car."The guy says, "Why? Don't you believe me?"