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Dick Jokes

DJoke400X311

The Dick Joke
High art... from a low place.

This One's About Tools

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What is the difference between a phillip and a flathead?

Easy! I can't flathead her ass with my dick.

The Doctor Was A Big Help

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My buddy was jerking off way too much, so he went to a shrink. Good move. So far he's been able to control his compulsive masturbating. Now he doesn't jerk off nearly as much. He says it feels like he got a huge load off his chest.

No Reason To Split Up

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This couple gets married. After several weeks of marital bliss the guy wants to show his wife just how much she means to him. So he has "I Love You" tattooed on his dick.

One month later the wife files for divorce. When the guy asks why, she tells him: "You keep putting words in my mouth."

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It's All How You Look At It

A married couple goes to the same Italian restaurant every Sunday for 30 years. And every time they show up the owner says, "Hey! Its-a you two guys. You my favorite-a couple. You made-a for each other. You last-a so long. You meant-a to be!"

Then one Sunday the guy walks in alone. The owner says, "Whats-a happened?" The guy tells him, "We got a divorce."

The Italian guy says, "Oh, you much-a better off-a now."

Thanksgiving Has A Whole New Meaning

One day, Little Johnny overheard his parents fighting. Later, he asked what "bitch" and "bastard" mean. They explained that they mean "lady" and "gentleman."

The next day, he overheard his parents having sex. He later asked what "penis" and "vagina" mean. His parents explained that they refer to "hats" and "coats."

At supper the next day, Little Johnny's mom cut her finger in the kitchen and yelled, "Oh f**k!" Little Johnny asked what that meant, and she said it means "cut."

A week later, guests arrive for Thanksgiving dinner. Little Johnny welcomes them at the door, saying, "Hello bitches and bastards! Hurry up with your penises and vaginas -- we can't wait to f**k the turkey!"

Maybe Just One More

A guy was walking around the office Christmas party belting down drink after drink. Each time he took a shot he reached into his shirt pocket, pulled something out, took a look, then stuck it back in his pocket. Finally, a friend walks up to him and asks: "Hey man. I've been watching you all night. What do you keep checking in your pocket?"

"That's a picture of my wife."

"So why do you keep looking at it?"

"Because," he replied: "When she finally starts looking good, then it's time to go home."