Dick Jokes
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Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the grocer and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper back then, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about."
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Three nuns and a priest are stranded in the desert. Luckily, they come across a camel. So they all jump on and head off to find help. After a while the camel is totally exhausted and falls down dead.
The priest says " Well sisters, this looks like the end. Do any of you have any last request?"
The first nun says "Father I have never had sex before." So the priest thinking this is their last day on earth, says OK and has sex with her.
The second nun says " I too father have never had sex before." So the priest thinks well, why not, and has sex with her too.
The priest then asked the third nun if her request is the same. She says "Not exactly father. I would just like to know what is that between your legs."
The priest says "Sister, that is a penis. It was put there by god to give the gift of life."
The last nun then responds "Great! Stick it in the camel and let's get the fuck out of here."
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A 40-year old woman never married because she only wanted a man who had never been with a woman sexually. And as you might imagine she searched for years but never could find one. So she finally tried one of those International dating sites and sure enough met a man who had lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. After a long-distance online courtship, they finally decided to marry.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare herself for the long awaited moment. When she walks back into the bedroom she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, totally naked, and he has all the furniture piled in one corner. "What happened?" she asks.
"I’ve never been with a woman," he tells her. "But if it’s anything like fucking a kangaroo I’m gonna need all the room I can get!"