Dick Jokes
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Little Johnny goes to school. His first class is English, and the teacher wants the kids to say what they ate for breakfast and spell it.
Jenny raises her hand and says: "'toast' -- t o a s t." Bobby says: "my turn teacher 'eggs' -- e g g s." Little Johnny shouts out" "'fucking nothing' -- f u c k i n g n o t h i n g."
The teacher is furious and makes Little Johnny stand in the corner till the end of the English lesson.
The next class is geography. The teacher puts a map up and asks the class who knows where the Polish border lies.
Little Johnny shoots up his hand and says: "He's at home on top of my mom. That's why I got fucking nothing for breakfast!"
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A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman." "What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.
Between his sobs and sniffles, the old guy answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love... At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she cooks me my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me the best blow job an old man ever could want. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love again." He breaks down again crying no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around the old guy. "I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"
The old man looks up and through his tears he says, "I forgot where I live."
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An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to tie the knot. But before the wedding they sat down to have a long conversation about how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, sharing the chores, family and so on.
Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of the intimate side of their relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked rather hopefully.
"Oh, I like to have it infrequently," his bride to be responded.
The old guy thought for a moment, then asked, "Was that one word or two?"