Dick Jokes
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Two young boys at school were discussing their parents, when one realized he really knew very little about his mom. Arriving home that evening, he gave his mom the third degree.
"How old are you, mom?" he asked. "None of your business," replied his mother. "Okay, then how much do you weigh?" "That's not your business either, young man." The boy thinks a minute, then delivers his final bombshell. "Well then, tell me why you and dad got divorced?" Shocked... mom sends junior to bed without any supper.
The next day, the kid reports his failure to his schoolmate. "I have the solution!" says his buddy, "Just look at her driver's license in her purse. It'll tell you everything you want to know."
Later that day, mom finds her son going through her purse with her driver's license in his hand. "Just what do you think you are doing now?" she screams.
"Well, you wouldn't answer any of my questions yesterday," says the junior detective, "so my friend told me all the answers would be right here on your license. See, you're 40 years old... you weigh 145 pounds... and daddy divorced you 'cause you got an 'F' in Sex."
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What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
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One night a little girl walks in on her parents having sex. The mother is going up and down on the father and when she sees her daughter looking at them she immediately stops. “What are you doing, Mommy?” The mother, too embarassed to tell her little girl about sex, makes up an answer. “Well, sweetie, sometimes daddy’s tummy gets too big so I have to jump up and down on it to flatten it out.”
The little girl looks at mom and says, “Well, mommy you're really wasting your time.” The mother is confused so she asks, “Why do you say that sweetheart?”
The little girl answers, “Because mommy, when you leave for work in the morning, the lady next door comes over and blows it back up.”