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Dick Jokes

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The Dick Joke
High art... from a low place.

I'll Have The Same

Hits: 3245

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After takeoff the stewardess came to take the drink orders. The Irishman asked for a whiskey. When she asked the Mormon if he'd like a drink he replied in disgust, "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman grabs the stewardess by the arm and says, "Instead of the whiskey, can I have what he's having. I didn't know I had a choice!"

A Better Approach

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Two drunks are about to leave the bar at closing time when one says: "Man I hate getting home at this hour. All I want to do is crawl into bed and crash. But the old lady is waitin' up and won't stop raggin' on me for stayin' out late and comin' home drunk."

His friend tells him: "I found the perfect solution. Instead of tryin' to sneak in I slam the front door and scream out 'Wake up honey I wanna fuck!' When I do that she always pretends to be asleep!"

No Prescription Necessary

Hits: 2861

A lady walked into a pharmacy and asked: "Do you have Viagra?" The pharmacist answered: "Sure." She then asked: "Does it work?" and his reply was: "Definitely!"

Finally whe wanted to know: "Can you get it over the counter?" and he told her "I can if I take two!"

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Man Of The Year

A man steps into the street and manages to grab a taxi just going by. He gets in, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

The passenger asks, "Who?" The cabbie says, "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every time."

Passenger: "Yeah. But there's always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie says, "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam in tennis. He could golf with the pros. And music? He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star, and you should've heard him play the piano."

The passenger replies, "Sounds like he was really someone special."

Cab driver continues, "There's more... He had a mind like a computer. He could remember everybody's birthday, knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out."

Passenger: "Wow, some incredible guy"

The cabbie goes on, "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic to avoid traffic jams. Not like me... I always seem to get stuck in them all the time."

Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."

Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman, how to really make her feel good. He'd never answer her back even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, down to his highly polished shoes."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank."

Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?"

Cabbie: "I married his fucking widow..."

Love Those Easter Eggs

Why does the Easter Bunny hide Easter eggs?

He doesn't want anyone knowing he's been fucking the chickens!

It's So Cute...

A blonde goes to the gynecologist, and he examines her.

He says, "You have acute vaginitis."

She says, "Thank you..."