Just Plain Funny

PlainFunny400X200 Not every laugh has to be a dick joke!

: Created: 22 October 2014; Hits: 2708

What do a dwarf and a midget have in common?

Very little.

: Created: 19 October 2014; Hits: 2233

A car salesman sits down at a bar next to a hooker.

He orders a drink and says: "If I don't sell some cars I'm going to lose my ass."

The hooker looks at him and says: "Yeah... well if I don't sell some ass I'm gonna lose my car."

: Created: 17 October 2014; Hits: 2885

An old guy visits a doctor. The doctor examines him and then sits down in the office for a consultation on his diagnosis.

"Well..." the doctor begins, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this... but you have cancer and you have Alzheimers."

The old guy looks at the doctor for a moment then says: "Thank god I don't have cancer."

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How It Really Happened

An 80-year-old man was having his annual physical when his doctor asked him how he was feeling. "Doc," he bragged, I’ve never been better! I've got plenty of dough for retirement and I’ve got a 20-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my baby! Pretty good, right?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So there he was in the woods, when suddenly a grizzly bear appeared right in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?"

Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead right there on the spot." "That’s impossible!" the old guy argued. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That’s exactly what I’m getting at..." replied the doctor.

Nude In Front Of The Mirror

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She wasn't happy with what she saw, so she said: "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

I told her: "Your eyesight's damn near perfect!"

And that's when the fight started...

That's One Way to Get Nothing Done

Put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together... what do you have?

100 people who don't do dick.