A laugh a day. It's not hard. Seriously.

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Every Frickin' Joke

Maybe He'll Propose?

Category: Just Plain Funny
Hits: 3126

I overheard my girlfriend on the phone say to her friend she wants to get engaged on Valentine's Day.

Hope she finds someone nice.

100% Guaranteed!

Category: Dick Jokes
Hits: 3244

Valentines Day is going to be great! I'm guaranteed to fuck my wife up the ass tonight.

She's dyslexic and thinks it's Vaseline Day.

Sexting

Category: Just Plain Funny
Hits: 3290

I woke up this morning with a text that seemed to have been sent to me by accident. It read,

"Hi... be home soon. Love ya, Dave xxx"

Being Valentine's Day I thought I'd have a bit of fun so I texted the guy back:

"Don't bother, I don't love you. You're a son of a bitch and  I've been banging your brother."

I couldn't wait for the reply, then it came:

"You OK mom?"

A Very Special Valentine

Category: And that's when the fight started...
Hits: 2804

I was talking to my buddy on the phone when my wife walked in. It being Valentine's day she must have been curious when she heard me say:

"I gotta tell ya... I really spoiled her today..."

So with her curiosity running wild she continued to eavesdrop and heard the rest.

"First I bought her a lovely new scent.
Then I rubbed essential oils into her beautiful body.
And then I did the hoovering and the dusting.
Man, I really love that car."

And that's when the fight started...

Page 243 of 286

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Easy Solution

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

Next Stop Willoughby

Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his toy train while his dad was cooking dinner. Johnny stops the train at the station and says, "All of you bastards who want to get off, you're here, so get the fuck off. And you dirt bags waiting to board, get your asses on now or we leave without you!"

"Little Johnny!" shouted his father. "I can't believe you are using that kind of language! You should be ashamed of yourself! Go to your room and don't come back until you have thought about what you've done!"

So Little Johnny goes to his room and about an hour later he returns. Once again he starts playing with his toy train, only this time when he comes to the stop at the station he says, "All of you fine ladies and gentlemen who want to get off, you've arrived at your destination, you may now exit the train. And all of you nice people who are are waiting to get on, welcome aboard! As for anyone who has a problem with the one hour delay, take it up with the asshole in the kitchen!"

It's Gonna Be One or the Other

An old couple's sitting in the living room. The wife turns to her husband and says, "Let's go upstairs and fuck." He looks back and tells her, "I don't know if I can do both."