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Dick Jokes

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The Dick Joke
High art... from a low place.

On The High Seas

Hits: 2891

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick. The bartender looks at him and says: "Hey matey, do you know you have a steering wheel attached to your dick?"

The pirate replies: "Arrrgh... and it's driving me nuts!"

Start Slow

Hits: 3500

Guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking its balls. The guy looks at the bartender and says: "Man I whish I could do that!"

The bartender tells him: "Better try petting him first!"

Dinner and a Show

Hits: 2933

A guy bends his wife over the kitchen table and fucks her in the ass. When he's finished he asks: "Did you like that?"

She tells him: "I'd have liked it a lot more if the kids were done eating."

 

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Advice For Parents

You don't have to vaccinate all your children.

Just the ones you want to keep.

Better Than A Gold Watch

It was the local mailman's last day on the job after 35 years delivering mail in the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the entire household who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift envelope full of cash. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a collection of the best fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in skimpy lingerie. She took him by the hand, led him upstairs to the bedroom and proceeded to fuck his brains out. When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a gigantic breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him one last cup of coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the saucer. "All this was just too wonderful for words" he said. "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

The Dangers of Modern Technology

A guy gets a text from his neighbor, "I'm really sorry Harry. I've been saddled with so much guilt that I have to confess. I've been tapping your wife day and night when you're not home. In fact, probably a lot more than you. I don't get it at home, but that's no excuse. I just can't deal with the guilt any more ... I hope you'll accept my apology and my promise that it won't happen again."

Furious, the guy grabs his gun, storms into his wife's bedroom and shoots her dead.

A few minutes later, he gets another text: "Fucking auto-correct. I meant wifi, not wife."