Why doesn't Santa have any children?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
My wife was in labor with our first kid and she's cursing and screaming at me the whole time.
I told her: "Hey, don't blame me. I wanted to stick it in your ass but you said, 'No, that'll hurt.'"
And that's when the fight started...
What is the definition of confidence?
When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the ass and say, "You're next Baby... !"
I just bought the latest sleep-number smart bed. It detects when you're screwing your wife, locks the front door and turns on the stereo so your neighbors can't hear you. My number is 69.