Why doesn't Santa have any children?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?
They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tongue and only take one finger to get off!
My wife bought one of those do-it-yourself waxing kits. Really wanting to please me, she asked with a wink: "Should I do the sides and leave a little strip down the middle?"
I told her: "I'd prefer you have no moustache at all."
And that's when the fight started...
Want to see flying saucers?
Head over to the all-night diner and grab the waitress by the ass.