I've got a new hobby -- collecting empty bottles.
Sounds a lot better than "I'm an alcoholic."
Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?
Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
What do a wife & a condom have in common?
They both spend wayyy more time in your wallet than on your dick.
A drunk wakes up in a cemetery in a freshly-dug grave. He thinks: If I'm alive, why's there a tombstone? If I'm dead, why do I have to piss?
