How Long Has That Condom Been In Your Wallet?

What do a wife & a condom have in common?

They both spend wayyy more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What's the difference between a musician and a pizza?

A pizza can feed a family of four.

My girlfriend's a real clean freak. She says it's disgusting to piss in the bathtub.

Next time maybe I should wait until she gets out.

Your wife & your lawyer are drowning, so you have to choose. What do you do: go to lunch or catch a movie?