It's Gonna Be A Good Year

What's the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?

One's a Goodyear and the other is a fucking good year.

What's a necrophiliac's biggest complaint about sex?

She just kinda lays there.

Researchers have determined that 99% of all men jerk off in the shower and the other 1% sing.

Do you know what they sing?

I didn't think you did.

My wife is constantly complaining that I don't listen to her...

...or something like that.