Just Plain Funny
Not every laugh has to be a dick joke!
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A bum walks up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and says: "I haven't eaten anything in four days!"
She looks back at him and says: "God I wish I had your will power."
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A young man got a new job running the cash register at a general store. The old store owner promised he would teach him how to be a salesman and up-sell. "Watch how I do it," he said to his new hire.
As a customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter, the old-timer said to him, "When you plant those seeds your grass is gonna start growing and you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut it." "You know," said the customer, "I think you're right. I do need a new mower. Sure, I'll take one."
The new kid said, "Wow. I think I see what you mean. Let me try one." The next customer in line stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young kid said, "You know, you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that." The man asked the kid, "What the hell are you talking about?"
The wanna-be salesman told him, "It looks like your weekend's shot, so you might as well cut the grass."
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The local United Way discovers that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. So a local volunteer calls him and says, "Even though your annual income is well over a million dollars, our research shows you've never made a donation to our organization. Would you like to give back to the community through The United Way?"
The lawyer says, "First, did your research show that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills far beyond her ability to pay?" The rep says, "No."
The lawyer says, "Second, did your research show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?" The rep says, "No."
The lawyer says, "And finally, did your research show that my sister's husband died in a terrible car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children?" The rep says, "I had no idea."
So the lawyer says: "Think about it. If I wouldn't give to any of them, why the hell would I give to you!"