Johnson took his latest invention, a computerized crystal ball, to his banker hoping to get a business loan. The banker was skeptical, so Johnson said to give it a try.
The banker typed "Where's my father?" and instantly the reply came back "Fishing in Michigan."
The banker said "I knew this thing wouldn't work. My father's been dead for twenty years."
Johnson begged him "No.wait. Try asking in a different way."
So the banker tried "Where's my mother's husband?"
And bang the answer came back: "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."
A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel all types of objects, smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of candy lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.
"Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped. "I’ll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It’s something your Mommy probably calls your Daddy all the time."
Instantly, Little Johnny spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit ’em out, you guys, they’re assholes!"