Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Every morning for 15 years, Bob wakes up, farts loudly, rolls over onto his back and gets up for work. Every morning for 15 years, Martha says, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"
One Thanksgiving morning, Martha's preparing the turkey and gets an idea. Before her husband gets up, she creeps upstairs and places the turkey innards in his pajama bottoms, giggling to herself. Well, later that morning, Bob wakes up and goes through his morning ritual. He screams as he goes running into the bathroom. Martha laughs, but is concerned after noticing that Bob has been in the bathroom for 3 hours.
She runs upstairs, and is about to knock on the door, when Bob opens up, pale as a ghost.
He says, "You were right. You were right. I did fart my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got them back up there again."
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the grocer and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper back then, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about."
We were getting ready in the bathroom together when my wife started putting her deodorant on. Thinking she was being cute she asked: "What's strong enough for a man but made for a woman?"
