How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same but you get to use the remote.
Why was the nearsighted fly starving?
He couldn't see shit.
How can you tell when your girlfriend's getting really fat?
You start asking your wife for sex.
Guy goes to his boss and asks for a day off, proudly saying: "My wife's gonna have a baby!" The boss tells him of course you can take the day off.
Two days later the guy shows up for work and the boss asks him: "So... was it a boy or a girl."
The guy replies: "How do I know... it takes nine months!"
