What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
The captain's log.
Two old ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
Her friend replies, "Oh sure I do." So the first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second one answers: "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
Hallmark Card fail:
"My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. Looked underneath and noticed your cat."
What'd the Polish guy say when he came home and found his best friend on top of his wife?
Down, Fido, down boy!
