How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the email folder 'Instruction Manuals'
Why did the woman cross the road?
Never mind that, what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen?
My wife remarked: "That Alzheimer's is a horrible disease. If I ever got it I think I'd shoot myself"
I replied: "You said that five minutes ago."
And that's when the fight started....
Cop pulls a guy over at 3am: "Where you going at this hour?"
Guy says: "To a lecture on alcohol abuse, its effect on the human body. And the dangers of smoking & staying out late."
"Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"