There's A Card For Everything

Hallmark Card fail:

"My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. Looked underneath and noticed your cat."

A drunk wakes up in a cemetery in a freshly-dug grave. He thinks: If I'm alive, why's there a tombstone? If I'm dead, why do I have to piss?

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?

A power failure.

How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?

Even the pool table has no balls.