There's A Card For Everything

Hallmark Card fail:

"My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. Looked underneath and noticed your cat."

What is the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?

The taste. Ewww...

What do you call a woman with her tongue sticking out?

A lesbian with a hard-on.

Why are crows so damn noisy when they fuck?

Caws!