Liberals vs. Conservatives

What's the difference between a conservative and a liberal?

A conservative is a liberal who's been mugged.

I took my wife to a restaurant, and the waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah" I told him, "she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started...

You ever been by a place and thought "Man, if I went in there, I know I'd get laid." I get that feeling all the time - I live near a prison.

A drunk walking home one night staggers into a tree. He backs up, takes a step, and runs into the tree again.

Two more times he bumps into the tree, then curses: "Great. I shoulda been home 2 hours ago, and here I am lost in the damn forest."