I was talking to my wife about what might happen after I died. I told her: Promise me one thing... that 6 months after I die you'll marry Bernie." She said: "I thought you hated Bernie."
Two guys are in a doctor's waiting room. The first guy asks, "Why're you here?" The second guy says, "Endoscopy. He's going down my throat with a camera. Why're you here?"
The first guy replies, "Camera up the ass." The second guy remarks, "Oh, a colonoscopy?"
The first guy tells him, "Nah. My old lady caught me taking pictures of the neighbor's wife sunbathing naked."
Little Johnny walks in on his parents having sex and asks, "What are you doing?" His father says, "We're playing cards, and your mother is my wild card."
A week later, Little Johnny walks in on his father masturbating. He asks, "What are you doing?" His father says, "I'm playing cards." "Where's your wild card?" Johnny asks.
His father replies, "Son, you don't need one when you've got a good hand."