Some Bad News

Cop at door "Looks like your wife's been hit by a bus"

"Yeah but she's a nice person & good with the kids"

Two guys were in a bar. The first one said: "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."

"What is she doing?", his buddy asks.

"Waiting for me to get home."

Girl texts: "If you're sleeping, send your dreams ... if you're laughing, send your smile."

Boyfriend texts back: "Taking a shit... Please advise."

Guy walks into a bar carrying a pistol and shouts: "Which one of you assholes slept with my wife?"

A drunk sitting at the end of the bar shouts back: "You ain't got enough bullets buddy."