Some Bad News

Cop at door "Looks like your wife's been hit by a bus"

"Yeah but she's a nice person & good with the kids"

What did the fresh egg say to the boiling water when the farmer's wife dropped it in?

Don't expect me to get hard so fast... I just got laid by some chick a minute ago.

Hallmark Card fail:

"My tire was thumping, I thought it was flat. Looked underneath and noticed your cat."

It's called St. Valentine's Day because "St. Blowjob for Jewelry Day" just didn't have the same ring to it.