Mom's Best Advice

"Mom I tied the knot."

"Great. Now kick out the chair he's standing on & you're finally rid of the jerk."

Polar bear walks into a bar, asks for a gin...
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and tonic.

Bartender asks: "Why the long pause?"

How many Freudian psychaitrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change the bulb and the other to hold the penis. Ladder! I meant ladder.

My wife was in labor with our first kid and she's cursing and screaming at me the whole time.

I told her: "Hey, don't blame me. I wanted to stick it in your ass but you said, 'No, that'll hurt.'"

And that's when the fight started...