Mom's Best Advice

"Mom I tied the knot."

"Great. Now kick out the chair he's standing on & you're finally rid of the jerk."

How do you get your wife to stop sucking her thumb?

Draw a dick on it.

What's six inches long, two inches wide and drives every woman wild?

A hundred dollar bill!

A guy visits a psychiatrist and lies on the couch. The doc asks: "What's your problem?"

The guy tells him, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat fuck?"