Mom's Best Advice

"Mom I tied the knot."

"Great. Now kick out the chair he's standing on & you're finally rid of the jerk."

Two old ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

Her friend replies, "Oh sure I do." So the first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?" The second one answers: "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him: "Anything you say can and will be held against you."

So he shouts back: "Tits"

A drunk wakes up in a cemetery in a freshly-dug grave. He thinks: If I'm alive, why's there a tombstone? If I'm dead, why do I have to piss?