A guy walks into a bar with an octopus and says, "This is a very talented octopus. He can play any instrument in the world. I'll give five hundred bucks to anybody who has an instrument that the octopus can't play."
A guy walks up with a guitar, the octopus takes it, and starts playing like Jimi Hendrix. Another guy walks up with a trumpet, and the octopus plays it better than Dizzy Gillespie.
A third guy walks up with bagpipes. He sits it down, the octopus fumbles with it for a minute, and then he sets it down with a confused look. The guy says, "Hah! You can't play it?"
The octopus looks at him and says, "Play it? As soon as I get its pajamas off, I'm gonna fuck it."
Little Johnny is walking along with his father and they pass two dogs that are going at it. He says, "Hey, Pop! What's happenin' over there?"
His father says, "Er... son, they're making a puppy."
That night, Little Johnny walks past his parents bedroom, and the old man's giving it to the old lady. Little Johnny says, "Hey, Pop! What's happenin' now?"
His father says, "Er...son, we're making you a baby brother."
Little Johnny says, "Well, flip her over. I'd rather have a puppy."
A couple had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife finally had enough. She figured she would break him of that crazy habit. So one night, while they were right in the middle of a romantic session, she flipped on the lights.
To her shock she looked down and saw her husband was holding a giant dildo. She got extremely upset. "You impotent bastard!" she screamed at him. "How could you lie to me all these years? You better explain yourself!"
The husband looked her straight in the eyes and said calmly, "I'll explain the rubber dick if you explain the kids."
