What do you call a teenager who doesn't masturbate?
A liar.
I'm feeling a bit more mature these days so I wasn't embarrassed walking into the drug store to buy condoms. That is, until the woman behind the counter advised me, 'Save your money -- buy a lottery ticket.'
My wife was about to start her morning nag when I shot out: "You know our marriage is like a three-ring circus..."
And before she could comment I told her why: "First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering!"
And that's when the fight started...
How can you tell if a chick is too fat to screw?
You pull her pants down and her ass is still in 'em.