What do you call a teenager who doesn't masturbate?
A liar.
How do Cinderella and Pinnochio make love?
She sits on his face and he tells lies.
I came home last night with a half gallon of rocky road and asked my wife: "Want some ice cream?" So she responded: "How hard is it?" I told her with a wink: "As hard as my dick!"
She said: "Great, pour me some."
And that's when the fight started...
Maid: "I want a raise. I fuck better than you."
Wife: "My husband said that?"
"No, all the landscapers."