Pirate Walks Into A Bar

Bartender to pirate: Why the paper towel sticking out of your hat?

Pirate: Arrgh, Got a bounty on me head.

Two guys are having a couple of beers and talking about their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggy style?" asks the first one.

"Well, not exactly," replies his friend. "She just pretends to be a dog." "Very kinky." says the first guy.

"Well, not really... Whenever I lean over and whisper let's do it doggy style, she rolls over and plays dead."

You didn't know old Dick Johnson is a bit of a poet, did you. Yep! My dick is a Longfellow.

Maid: "I want a raise. I fuck better than you."

Wife: "My husband said that?"

"No, all the landscapers."