Won't Be A Starving Artist Much Longer

Gallery owner: "Guy came in bought all your paintings."

Artist: "Great."

"Not really, he was your doctor."

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and your lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass.

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?

A Mechanic.

An old guy visits a doctor. The doctor examines him and then sits down in the office for a consultation on his diagnosis.

"Well..." the doctor begins, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this... but you have cancer and you have Alzheimers."

The old guy looks at the doctor for a moment then says: "Thank god I don't have cancer."