What's the difference between a wife and a mistress?
Forty-five pounds.
Wife walks into the kitchen and finds her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asks. "Hunting flies," he tells her.
"Oh, kill any?" She asked. "Yep, three males, two females," was his reply. Intrigued, she asked, "How can you tell?"
"Easy," he says. "Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone."
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
I asked my wife if we should get a pet for around the house.
She said she already has all the pets she needs: A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for everything.
And that's when the fight started...
