What Are Friends For

A woman was in bed screwing her husband's best friend when the phone rang

After hanging up, she says, "That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you."

What do the aborigine call a boomerang that won't come back?

A stick.

Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

I told my wife our credit cards were stolen, but I'm not reporting it.

She asked why not?

"Cause the thief spends less than you do."

And that's when the fight started...