Guy catches his son jerking off: "Son don't do that, you'll go blind."
Son shouts back "Pop, I'm over here."
Why doesn't Santa have any children?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.
Two guys were in a bar. The first one said: "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up until 5 in the morning."
"What is she doing?", his buddy asks.
"Waiting for me to get home."
My wife's losing weight now thanks to a weight loss club. She goes near the fridge, I hit her with the club.