Advice From Dad

Guy catches his son jerking off: "Son don't do that, you'll go blind."

Son shouts back "Pop, I'm over here."

Dick's Advice: Best way to avoid an alcohol-related accident? Get so fucked up you can't find your car.

I asked my wife if we should get a pet for around the house.

She said she already has all the pets she needs: A mink in the closet, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in bed, and a jackass to pay for everything.

And that's when the fight started...

Why is being in the military like a blowjob?

The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.