Don't Drink And Drive

Dick's Advice: Best way to avoid an alcohol-related accident? Get so fucked up you can't find your car.

What's a birth control pill?

That's the other thing a girl can put in her mouth to keep from getting pregnant.

Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?

There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning.

An inventor walks into the Patent Office office and says to the girl behind the desk, "I'd like to register my new invention, a folding bottle."

The clerk asks. "What do you call it?" He tells her, "I call it a fottle." She says, "That's kind of silly, but OK we can set you up."

He says, "Thanks, I'll work on the name. Hey, I also have a folding carton too."

She says, "Really? And what do you call that?" He says, "A farton."

She says in disgust, "That's totally offensive. You can't use that name."

He says, "Uh-oh! I guess I'll have to scratch the one I was going to use for my folding bucket."