Three words to ruin a man's ego...
"Is it in?"
(Not that Ol' Dick Johnson has ever heard that or anything like it!)
How do you get five hundred cows in a barn?
Put up a "Bingo" sign.
A drunk calls the police, and says, "They stole my dashboard, they stole my steering wheel, they stole my brake pedal, they even stole my gas pedal..."
Then, before the cops can ask where he is, he says, "Hey, never mind, I'm in the back seat."
The bell rings at a whorehouse.
The madam answers the door and finds a guy with no arms and no legs. She looks at him and says: "What'ya think you're gonna do in here?"
He says: "Hey... I rang the bell, didn't I?"