What do you get when you cross a hooker with a piranha?
Your last blow job.
A doctor examining a little old man tells him, "You're suffering from exhaustion. How often do you have sex?"
The old guy says, "Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday."
The doc says, "Well, that could be the problem. Maybe you should try eliminating Wednesdays."
The old guy replies, "I can't, Doc. That's the only night I go home."
What is more messed up than fingering your sister?
Pulling your finger out and finding your dad's wedding ring.
A man walks into the kitchen and finds his wife boiling eggs. She looks at him passionately, lays on the counter, and says, "Make love to me Randy!"
Not wanting to lose the chance he embraces her quickly and they make passionate love.
When they are finished he asks her, "What was that about?"
She replies, "The egg timer was broken."