Tough To Find Good Help

Maid: "I want a raise. I fuck better than you."

Wife: "My husband said that?"

"No, all the landscapers."

What would you call a guy who jerks off during an earthquake?

Focused.

My dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's calls.

How do you get four old ladies to shout "Fuck"?

Get a fifth old lady to shout "Bingo!"