How can you tell if you're at a gay barbecue?
The hot dogs taste like shit.
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She wasn't happy with what she saw, so she said: "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
I told her: "Your eyesight's damn near perfect!"
And that's when the fight started...
Toilet seat falls on kid's dick, runs to mom: Kiss it, make it better.
Mom: Every day more like your dad.
What gets longer when you pull it, fits between the breasts, inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
A seat belt.
