Definition of love: Your heart melts and comes squirting out the end of your dick.
What do a dwarf and a midget have in common?
Very little.
A bum walks up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and says: "I haven't eaten anything in four days!"
She looks back at him and says: "God I wish I had your will power."
What's the difference between a conservative and a liberal?
A conservative is a liberal who's been mugged.
