Definition of love: Your heart melts and comes squirting out the end of your dick.
Bartender to pirate: Why the paper towel sticking out of your hat?
Pirate: Arrgh, Got a bounty on me head.
A couple comes up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a penny. His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well, and drowns.
The guy says, "Fuck...it works."
What is the difference between anal sex and a microwave?
A microwave doesn't brown your meat!
