Ladies and Gentleman We Have A Winner

My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second and third.

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

What's the difference between a conservative and a liberal?

A conservative is a liberal who's been mugged.

My girlfriend's a real clean freak. She says it's disgusting to piss in the bathtub.

Next time maybe I should wait until she gets out.