My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second and third.
What's the definition of eternity?
The time between when you cum and when she leaves.
Here's a math question. If you get into bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
Answer: 8 hours, 57 minutes - who cares what she wants!
How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex?
Wipe your dick on the curtains.