What Are You Doing Today?

Old Dick Johnson has some big plans for today, I'm gonna spend Valentines day with my ex...... box 360.

Bartender to pirate: Why the paper towel sticking out of your hat?

Pirate: Arrgh, Got a bounty on me head.

I told my wife I was so pleased she treated me like a God. She looked at me and asked, "What do you mean?"

I told her, "Every evening at dinner you give me a burnt offering."

And that's when the fight started...

What's the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?

Your mother can't take a joke.