How can you tell when your girlfriend's getting really fat?
You start asking your wife for sex.
Husband asks: "Should I watch porn or hockey?"
Wife: "Watch porn. You already know how to play hockey."
And that's when the fight started...
What's the definition of a lady?
Someone who doesn't drink or smoke, and the only time she curses is when your dick slips out.
A guy visits his doctor. He walks in with a banana stuck in one ear, a carrot in the other and a french fry up his nose.
He says, "Doc, I feel terrible."
The doc says, "You're just not eating right."
